Lessons learned

I had a long sleep-in this morning, until just before noon. Sleep must be the most underrated forms of luxury there is. I should know having been an hopeless insomniac for years. What started off as busy spells at my previous work, with sleepless Sunday nights, turned into a weekly nightmare. Not long before soon, did I start taking tranquilizers. Tranquilizers or sleeping pills are such an easy solution, but even after a few days it can lead to an addiction. I don’t have an addictive personality but the choice between not sleeping or popping a pill was easy.

In the beginning it was manageble. I kept myself within the advised dosage of one pill when needed. But as with any substance your body soon grows accustomed to it and one tablet wasn’t enough. In then end, after 3-4 years of taking them I could take as many as 5-6 a night, and sometimes even more. The social implications that addictions have are larger than we tend to believe, most of all for the family who bares the immediate brunt. My daughter suffered terribly from this. There were times I really tried to stop, but then could be awake for 2-3 days in a row. Those days were unlivable. I suffered migraine attacks, and what in hindsight was probably close to paranoia, seeing things that were not there.

It nearly ended in catastrophy, almost... But then there is something called life, with all its unexpected twists and turns, and that is really what got me out of it.

I think with any addiction, substituting the substance with something else won’t solve the problem, even if that substitute is benevolent. Personally I tried yoga, reading books, changing temperature in the bed room, calming teas, music, acupuncture, even a short stint of anti-depressants. But none of this had any major effect on my sleeping disorder. I remained sleepless.

It was only after I met my husband, that I finally managed to kick my habit. And it wasn’t even difficult. In fact from one day to another I stopped altogether. This has led me to believe that even though with all the good intentions and the greatest of professional help, an addiction can’t be cured until the root cause is resolved. For me that root cause was unsafety. Even though I seemingly lived in a safe and stable environment, I’ve felt unsafe, for in fact as long as I can recall. But being in a new environment made me feel safe and secure again. The cause of a problem may vary from person to person, but unless the main problem is not dealt with, the symptoms will continue to exist. But how does one conclude what the problem is? A problem that may be so deeply buried, under heaps of other issues. It’s like a web that slowly needs to be untangled. Well for me, even with professional help, I couldn’t understand nor find it. Sometimes, and probably mostly, it’s a strike of luck. An unexpected change in once life, such as changing jobs, break ups, new relationships or a move, in short a change of environment. It’s hard to explain, as it’s quite intangible, something individual that everyone has to find out or discover for themselves. I can only think of one word that captures the essence.... serendipity.